Letter from Danny

As many of you know, this last chemo cycle was a very difficult one. It was straight up Hell. I feel like I am only now far away enough from it to actually report on my week. For one, the procarbazine that we added to the mix is definitely a heavy hitter and really knocked me off a bit. The whole feeling is difficult to explain. But, that mixed with the steroid and then some bad reactions and overdosing on anti-nausea medicines came to together to a perfect storm. I felt like I was being tortured in some cruel way. I was utterly fatigued, but my body and mind were restless and I couldn't sit still. So, I would walk around the yard or court a couple times, come back and try to lay down because I felt awful, and then have to get up and do it again because I couldn't rest. They were definitely not my bravest moments. I broke down a lot because I just did not know what to do and could not get any relief. I would just pray for night to come so that I could take my sleep medications and get knocked out. This all climaxed to a point sunday night when I knelt on the ground and started shaking and crying for it to stop. We called the doctor on call and mom/dad/christy explained the situation and they said that I was suffering from a reaction to the mixing and overdosing of anti-nausea medicine. They told me to take Benedryl to stop the shakes and calm me down and to cut out one of the anti-nausea and only take the other when necessary. It took a bit until I calmed down, but I eventually did. I was still a bit hiped and had to walk things off still that evening, but I eventually wore down and night finally came and I was able to take my sleep meds and hit the sack.

The next day was my last day of procarbazine and we were much more conservative about taking the anti-nausea drugs and cut out one completely. I did much better that day. The day after I went in for infusion and began the next stage of the treatment, which is shots. They have lowered the dosage of the shots, which will help lower the pain (and possible use of the narcotics). So far, I'm tired and fatigued in the head, and feel like an old man...but I appreciate every moment that I am able to find at least some sort of relief in some way. I am so happy to be past that first week!! And I look forward so much to enjoying the next week!

I seriously considered many times during that tough week that we had to tell the doctor to lessen the intensity of the treatment, because there was no way that I could cope with this again. But, now that we see some of the mistakes we made and changes that we can make on our side, I have hope again that it will be better next time. That we will be able to cope and get through it. The walking thing was good, and if I can now be able to rest after it...I can do that I think. Christy also was inspired and thought of going in the pool...greatest thing in the world!! I felt so good when I was going back and forth in that pool! We also pulled out the drums and started tapping away, and that was very therapeutic. So, I hope and pray that with these and some other coping mechanisms, we will be able to handle these dang chemo weeks and get through them!

The doctor mentioned also, that if they don't get any better they sometimes reduce some of the dosages and sometimes they do that anyway on these advanced BEACOPP treatments. So, we will see. For now, we will continue with the same treatment but be highly conservative on our anti-nausea regime and hope that that will prevent the crisis we saw this last time.

At this point I really have to thank Christy, Mom and Dad for being on the ground getting me through that Hell in those moments. You did everything possible and were the only things that got me through that very difficult time. And to those who called and talked with me as I walked. You helped get my mind off of things and put thoughts of hope in me. Thanks for everyone's prayers too. I truly felt your prayers. I honestly hit walls I did not think I would pass, but I know that through the power of your prayers and the mercy of God that relief and solutions finally came.

In other news. I have gained 11 pounds since I was diagnosed!

Something that I thought was interesting as I was listening to the Book of Mormon as I was walking around was Lehi's first experience in his vision of the tree of life. He first sees a man/ angel and follows him. What I find weird here, is that he is leading him through a dark, dreary waste. Why? Then, it wasn't until Lehi was traveling in this darkness for many hours that he began to cry unto the Lord for mercy/relief. It was then that he was then shown the great field and tree. Why is it that Lehi was first taken through this darkness and then not shown the tree until he asked...?

5 And it came to pass that I saw a man, and he was dressed in a white robe; and he came and stood before me.
6 And it came to pass that he spake unto me, and bade me follow him.
7 And it came to pass that as I followed him I beheld myself that I was in a dark and dreary waste.

8 And after I had traveled for the space of many hours in darkness, I began to pray unto the Lord that he would have mercy on me, according to the multitude of his tender mercies.
9 And it came to pass after I had prayed unto the Lord I beheld a large and spacious field.
10 And it came to pass that I beheld a tree, whose fruit was desirable to make one happy.


Love you all. Danny.