Cycle 4

(editor's note: this is not the trusty chair, but this is Danny on Day 2)

Dear Friends and Family,
I'm sitting in my trusty arm chair which has become like my new
appendage. It's in the main family room, so I get to be in the middle
of all the action...and the big screen is 15 feet away.

I'm trying to get this post out, but I'm not feeling totally
awesome right now, so we'll see how much I get to say. It is the
first day of cycle 4 today! It hit me kinda hard today. A little
harder than last one I think, but I still feel confident that it will
be better than the first two. As I'm thinking on it, it's weird to
get a bunch of crazy junk pumped into your body through a port in your
chest. Some of the stuff is red and we have to handle so carefully
because if it accidentally got on your skin it would burn right
through. So, it burns anything that it touches outside, but we pump
two syringes of that lovely liquid into my body. Guess the only thing
it burns in there is cancer cells baby. Only one other drug is
"pushed", into me like that and the rest are just another clear liquid
in those iv bags hanging on the machine. I'm glad they are doing such
a good job at killing the cancer in my body...but they can knock the
rest of me out pretty good in the process too. It'll be ok though.
At least it is a nice break from the emotional and mental turmoil that
the pred crash has on me.

About the crash. The doctor decided that we will taper the prednazone
so we hopefully won't have such a harsh crash. We were too far into
the cycle for this round to do the real taper, but we did take a lower
dose for 3 days into relief week to help. I think it did help. I
still experienced a let down and then a crash afterward, but it was
less severe. So, I hope that the taper will help in that category.

As you all know, we went to Utah this "relief week", for a couple
days. I'm really glad we went. It was a very good distraction for
Christy and I and think Mom and Dad. It also made the week go by
faster which is a good thing, oddly enough, for what we term as a
relief week. Maybe I should rename this week, emotional breakdown
week, because that is what really happens:) Lindsay's concert was
totally awesome!! I had to hold back the tears as she sang Please.
That is such a beautiful song!

I have been dealing lately with a lot of anxiety and fear about
illness (I know funny) falling upon me or my family. It can get
pretty bad. I will kind of get paralyzed with fear and have panic
attacks that one day Lucy will get sick with something, anything, and
for some reason it will be all I can think about. I know I really
need to see a psych about it. But, I also felt impressed on the drive
up to Utah that there was a reason that I was facing these anxieties
and fears and that reason is to teach me how to fully and completely
put my trust in God and His goal to perfect us and have us be truly
happy. I know that I may still need therapy to help teach me how to
get over my anxieties, but I believe that my full and complete healing
will and can only happen through having more faith and putting more
trust in God and His Son Jesus Christ. How this is done, and what it
all means to do that...I don't totally know yet...but I guess that's
why I'm going through this.

If I'm opening up like this, I must say, I wish Christy didn't have to
go through this difficult trial. She is already such an amazing
woman. I wish I could tell you all how amazing she is dealing with
all of this! I wish she didn't have to go through it...I don't feel
like she needs the refining.
(editor's note: I know I didn't have to include his sweet paragraph about me-but it makes me feel good so I did.
Additional note: I think this whole experience IS for me. Danny is the strongest, most humble and faithful guy I know. I guess maybe it will just make both of us stronger, not to mention more grateful every day for health, strength, each other and our Savior.)

I am listening to "Man's Search for Meaning", by Victor Frankl. I
really like it so far and I have a quote I'd like to share, but I
don't have the hard copy around, so I'll get around to it sometime.
It has to with love really being the ultimate thing in life.

I love you all. Here is to the halfway cycle. Cheers!

Danny