Chapter 2

A few weeks ago Danny went in for his semiannual PET scan.

It is amazing how in one minute everything can change.

One moment Danny and I were driving back from Tracy (Danny had to check out some properties for work), talking about the benefits of piano vs. violin lessons for Lucy. As we were going up the hill on Ygnacio near John Muir he listen to a voice mail he'd just received, having ignored the call from an unknown number. I kept chatting and it took me a minute to notice that His head was down and he was breathing funny. I looked over and he looked ashen. 

I immediately knew. 

I swerved through two lanes of traffic to take the next right. I pulled over in front of a large mailbox in a red zone, threw the car into park and started hyperventilating. I didn't have any thoughts-just a serious rush of feelings. I usually find that the two are linked, but not today. I had lots of feelings with no rational thought. Eventually my only thought was that I needed to breathe. 

Then my reaction to Danny's cancer recurrence got really embarrassing.  I jumped out of the car, walked over the sidewalk to the grass and had a full out tantrum. I sobbed breathlessly, attacked the  grass with my fists and maybe screamed a bit. Danny came over and started talking to someone. That was when I noticed that two women were hurrying over and looking really worried. Poor girls, I probably terrified them. 

After two weeks the shock has worn off a bit and the denial is getting harder too. Today we went to Stanford and met with a Lymphoma expert. We learned a lot about his treatment options and know that he will get the best care possible there. I'll go into all the details of his treatment next time, at this moment nothing is quite certain. Today he went in for a surgical biopsy. There is the possibility of a miracle, that the lymph node they extract will come back clean, but we are all prepared for the more likely scenario.

Danny, as usual, is dealing with everything with faith. He is a wonderful example to me.  While I was breathing raggedly in the car that day trying to get my legs to stop shaking, he turned to me and told me that this was his chance to face this trial again with greater faith. We both feel lucky to have been in this experience before. The first time I felt like cancer would rule our lives forever, like chemo would never end and we would never be a "normal" family.  This time we know the pain, uncertainty and chaos will end. We have seen the other side and it is wonderful. We have been so happy these last three years. Even when circumstances have been hard, it has been easy to be grateful because we had been in such a worse place.  I know we'll get through this chapter too.

(Maybe I can convince Danny to go for quadruplets afterward too!:)