Hopes

Those of you who have read this blog for awhile know that I'm a girl with a plan.  I can be flexible with my daily agenda, but I like to know what to expect each day and down the road.  Cancer really threw me. With an ambiguous future and lots of unknowns I had a hard time giving up my "life plan".  I had planned on being pregnant this year and delivering a baby about now.  When we were told that chemotherapy would likely make Danny infertile, I tried to put off my feelings of despair and focus on Danny and his treatment.  In this recovery period, my despair has caught up with me.  I've had a hard time watching lots of friends get pregnant and have their babies these last months.  I'm afraid one of my many weaknesses is self pity and I've indulged in it.  I made a new plan, to try and get pregnant in the fall when we're all settled in Irvine.  This made lots of logical sense and also let me put off my fears.  I had mostly been afraid of testing Danny's banked sperm-a specialist had told us that it was likely damaged by his cancer (that was the one time I sobbed in front of a doctor. With all the good and bad news we received I was able to keep it together-but you can't kill a girl's hopes and not get hysteria. It's okay, he told me I should be happy to have Lucy-jerk.)  The new plan didn't help my feelings, however, and finally I decided to listen to them.  Danny and I talked about it on a beautiful hike in the hills one day and decided to start now. I immediately felt like this was the right time.  The last couple weeks have been filled with ups and downs and I'm sure there will be more of both but starting at the end of June we'll be starting InVitro Fertilization.  I had originally hoped it wouldn't go so far as that, but we have limited sperm to work with and want as many babies as we can get out of it! The doctors decided it would be too dangerous to implant more than one embryo due to my own biological issues (who wants hospital bedrest with twins? Not me, but twins would have been nice.) so we'll just do this until it works. I love my doctor and never dreamed it would get started this fast, so I'm very excited.  I don't think I'll post about the process, but just wanted people to know I guess (as an excuse for my irratic/emotional behavior!) I'll let you know when to start crossing your fingers.